Home

My nephew is born today. Such a sweet gift from life. With the loss of my grandmother only two weeks ago, I feel as if life is trying so hard to compensate for the pain. But it's never enough is it? The same joy that fills my heart also overwhelms me with great desperation. I want to go home. I'm beginning to feel like I'm going crazy here. I still can't shake the loneliness and isolation. Friends don't come fast, neither do friendly faces. It's been almost a year, and still, I feel like everything about this place is going against me. It doesn't matter anymore though. I won't find comfort here. I know it. I can stop complaining. Now I'm just propelling myself forward and building an escape back to my most imperfect, complicated, messy, chaotic, crazy world. Why do I miss it? It gave me such great purpose. I knew and know myself here. When I'm there, I stop feeling so lost and so worthless. Right now, here, I feel like such a waste of space. I don't know myself here. I want to go back to home. Home where my hands have a job to do. Home where my purpose is clear. Home where God needs me the most. I need home as much as home needs me.

Ever Fee Like...

Saying a big f/u to life?

I feel like that today...

actually I've been feeling like that quite recently..


..okay for a while now...

I just wanna go home.

Forget you life! Forget you!!!

I'll walk tall and proud with my head held high..

And even if my shoulders should drop,

and rain flood my face...

I'll still walk, and I'll forget you.

In heaven, I'll most certainly forget you.

-Noemi

And You Still Find me Beautiful.

No matter where I go
She will reach me.
Damage.

And even though the view from here
Seems clear,
the truth is,
there is no escaping.

A plastic sheet that separates me
from you.
Me, from sanity.

Does it matter how far I run?
I will never really reach you.

I can paint over these cracks and creases
But the fact remains I'm broken,
beaten, damaged.

We'll never be the same:
Wholeness.

God let me find relief, satisfaction
in this emptiness.

God let me find beauty in this
brokenness.

Because I know,
he and I will never meet.

When wholeness heads east.
God,
find me west.

-Noemi E. Garcia Rigsby