Love, and I & Poetry

Argon of Aragon

2012-01-21T15:14:00.000-08:00

Your puffed up lips
So pompous, so full
Confidence is for the mighty
Arrogance for the weak.

So delicate, and still raw.
And I know that to you,
What I give, is never enough
I know, I know.

You did not fail to conspire today
Like I always fail to inspire
But having yourself, to yourself is sufficient
You never fail to satisfy you.

You think me jealous, envious
But what is there to want from you
Are you not always in want?
Wanting more, and more?

You don't even believe
That you will never be good enough
Not to them- even if you were to me,
Yet, you blame me for lacking.

Your invitations ceased,
And I found myself in luck to have fallen from your favor,
To nevermore be invited to your banquet table
Where you daily sell yourself to the highest bidder

To be spared to see you like pyrite
Only to look at me on your way
Over your shoulder you glance,
Thinking me covetous
If only you knew: it was simply
pity.

-Noemi E. Garcia Rigsby

Boulevard Lane

2012-01-03T17:17:00.000-08:00

You return flaunting everything.
Everything that is yours
And not mine.

You paid a few cents today
To get your face on the front page.
Just so you could stare at me
Just to torture me from the front of every house.

And when people ask you about me,
You turn away
You pretend again, nothing happened
I am nothing
Too little to let go with words.

Without mention, you dispersed
Burned the bridge to my house that you and I,
so cleverly,
so thoughtfully built together.
And here I stand watching the flames dance

All while you parade yourself,
Mindless and heartless,
You won't even utter my name.

But you'll claim me as the arson
You the victim, the hero that tried to put out the flame.
Indeed love, it was you
Without words you blew us into darkness.

And all that's left are the tongues of evil men
To eat at us til there is truly nothing left.

-Noemi Garcia Rigsby

Title

2011-05-05T21:27:00.000-07:00

Awakened with a chip on my shoulder

The weight of my sorrow to leave me undone

With anger that I cannot justify.

The emptiness too vast to measure

My soul unfulfilled,

And it does not matter what lullabies I sing it,

It weeps gently still.

Will anyone lead me?

Will anyone show me?

Because, I am saddened, and angered

That I cannot write my own story.

So far, I have chapters 1 through 3

And still no meaning.

Asleep with a chip on my shoulder

To let my dreams disturb me;

And perhaps in their impossibility,

I might finally find me.

-Noemi E Garcia Rigsby

Art of Arson

2011-04-21T14:46:00.000-07:00

If I lay in darkness,
Find my fury.
The shades of scarlet that spell your name
In flames.

You are fading,
Behind clouds of smoke
I see your face
In dreams, I feel weary
Carrying you as always.

Walking over coals,
It's hard to remember
Is it you I hold?
Or you that holds me?
All I can feel is the burning.

Arriving, running finger tips
Over old scars, over open wounds
Blood that smolders
Hearts beating ardently
And they drown the sorrow of your memory.

It's ending
And all I have is anger
Not recalling why:
I loved you,
I loathe you.

Arson fire by us.
Leave the past blazing
The ruins of us turning
To cinders, to ash, to soot.

Leaving us Criminals
With matches in our hands
And fires in our hearts.

-Noemi E. Garcia Rigsby

Haunted Houses

2011-03-20T18:52:00.000-07:00

"Gentle Sleeper, dreaming for a life
Not yet for you to own
With nightmares here and between
That remind you of the love you think you know:"

Just a touch,
Is all it takes to breathe your air again
The lasting shadow of your memory
Proves to be torture
Proves to hate me.

Because I find you everywhere I'm not looking
And I see you in every pretty face
And I hear you in everyone's laughter
And I miss you mostly in the rain.

Your arms for branches
Limb from limb where I used to climb
Your tree house for a heart where I once slept,
Where I escaped to find adventure,
By your storm was blown away.

I woke up naked on earthy ground
Dirty and forsaken by your house
I thought you'd be mine for always
But you were too small, too big, in too many ways.

Your departure brought your ghost
And every new house is now haunted
Shadows passing,

The walls so beautiful, but thick with your voice
The beams so sturdy, but echoing your laughter
Your footsteps creeping by my lover's bed
And my only safety is the door that you make wide open
Beckoning my exit
Only to haunt me again.

-Noemi E Garcia Rigsby

The First Adam

2011-02-13T16:54:00.000-08:00

I wonder how Adam became a man
If he was really particles of sand,
Or maybe particles of a man that
Could no longer take more.

Maybe he was a shell,
His life gutted
By the same thief who took his pearl.

I can't help but question if Adam was really
Dust and earth,
If God's breath was
Breath and air,
And Eve a rib, a bone.

Sometimes I feel like an Adam,

So broken beyond pieces,
I feel more ground, grinded into earth,
Into molecules, dusty particles
So small only God could pick them all.

And maybe there He remembered my shape
And formed me.
He had mercy, not pity,
And brought me to life.

I wonder if Adam was merely a man,
In desperate need of a God.

-Noemi Garcia Rigsby

*To: Him who only knows.

Emily

2011-01-26T16:48:00.000-08:00

You are radiant,
Made up of all the colors that display themselves so bright
after a stormy morning
Bringing forth sunshine.

You are joy,
Arms open to heal any kind of wound
and to comfort a broken heart
With enough smiles to fill any weary mouth.

You are beauty,
With pearls that dance when you laugh
Chocolate eyes as sweet as their color
And arms of a butterfly.

You are Pure,
With quiet humility and gentle intentions
Your love is to make us laugh
And to look at life through your simplicity, and bask in it.

You are Peace,
With a melody of angels when you sing and laugh
When you tuck yourself in deep in our arms
And sleep.

You are Love,
When you play and twirl in your dresses
In your embrace and kisses
In sweet letters counting to infinity.

You are my radiance,
my joy,
my beauty,
my purity,
my peace,
my love,
You are my Emily.

-Noemi Garcia Rigsby

More Like Myself

2011-01-10T17:11:00.000-08:00

Can I be different for a change?
For all you know, you don't know much
And the one you met is not as such.

Can you blame me,
If I want to be more like myself lately?
Will you judge me if I allow myself to show
All the colors, all the voices, all the emotions and the soul?
Because I've felt more like dust lately
Settling in the crevices of the likely
And blowing in the direction of the ordinary.

Would you be angry if I didn't apologize?
If every once in a while I declined?
If some days I said I had enough
Would you get mad if I was a little rough?
Because I'm weary of saying yes
And being left here with a mess
Only because you came before I
And no one did care if I died-
Or not.

Can I be more like myself lately?
Will you hear me just for me?
Will you not ask that I give up some pieces
And allow me to live with a little peace?

Can you see me resting upon your belongings?
Settling, gathering, provoking allergens
I can be cleaned away, thrown away
You never allow me to fully stay
But why go so far if I'll never fade?

Just let me become something more
Than your ruins, your neglect, your "what for?"
If you'll take me, I'll become me
And if you reject me, I'll still be becoming
Because, for once, I'll do what I need to do
To shed the old me, and become something new.

-Noemi E. Garcia Rigsby

Retrospect-----A little prose to change it up :)

2011-01-06T12:47:00.000-08:00

There's so much more
I know about myself
Today.
Had I only know yesterday:

I still would have wandered penniless,
but feeling rich.
I still would would have danced,
but outside the confines of a room.
I still would have answered, "Yes"
but dared to be the one who asked the questions,
and declined more often.

I still would have stared into mirrors,
but praised my youthful body, instead of beckoning it for change.
I still would have studied my face,
but searched my eyes to find worth.
I still would have walked,
but confidently, regardless of the direction,
trusting my instincts.

Looking back,
Too little mistakes,
Is my greatest regret
Because despite them, pain or joy
All roads still brought me here

And perhaps I'd realize sooner:
That mistakes build character and confidence,
without the pride

Experience makes a person wholly,
even if religion cannot

And life is no more linear,
even if you can't backtrack,
it still makes good of all your bads

And God forgives not just the things you've done,
but should have done

And today,
Is not "all we've got."

-Noemi Garcia Rigsby

Christmas Ghost

2010-12-21T19:44:00.000-08:00

Your ghost chases me
Every cold December you come.

Death you are gentle today.
Not that you could ever be
You haunt my dreams
A dead brother to grieve.

But I woke up to his voice
Reassuring that today, you have spared him
Relieved that in fact, a dream was a dream
In this reality, death was temporary.

The moon turned red last night
And in my dreams I found myself screaming once again
For help, for hope, only to hear it was too late.

Death you are kind tonight.
Though years ago you took the eldest
You have spared my sister.
I heard her voice say,
"Not today."

I will sleep in this comfort
But dream with fear
You still haunt me.

Death you are present.
And in the shadow of grief,
I find that death, you are conquered.

Christmas day, He is born.
And He is my promise.
He will die, only to rise
And,
Death you are no more.

-Noemi E. Garcia Rigsby

To: My late brother Ramon Joel
There is no parting with you
See you later.

From Mom And Dad

2010-12-16T20:42:00.000-08:00

It's not the child's fault
Let them break open their gifts
We are masters of our fates
And while some argue we carry our parent's burdens
I say we go where we please,
Willingly.

No one ever told me to come here
To get away from there
Or to choose love over reason.
I did it all by myself.

I always wanted to see the snow
My mother was born by the jungle,
My father from the desert
Both whom crossed rivers and terrains to get me here.

Maybe I am like them a little bit
The determination, the perseverance
The hunger to keep going, to more than survive,
To make it.

To work hard not just for my dollar
But for those who will come after me.
They made no excuses, and they left me with none for myself.
Even they, are not an excuse.

So while I whimper with longings for their sun
To melt my cold
I remember what brought me here:
Me.

And this future, this hope to do something greater
in a place that runs against me
Is perhaps the best gift they ever gave me.
The gift of being able to give something
to myself.

-Noemi E. Garcia Rigsby

To: Mom and Dad With Love. Thank you.

Catalina

2010-12-13T18:40:00.000-08:00

You are my paradise
Like little pieces of sea glass by the shore
Pristine like the blue waters
In you I find my escape.

You are my joy
You are my cool breeze by the night
My tiny little island
Only for you and I.

You are my fantasy
Like a make believe world
You're traced by black lines
A caricature kissed with the breath of life.

You are my holiday
A reason to celebrate
With purpose to get away
To only come down to go up again.

You are my heaven
A promise of eternal and immortal
Even in death I find life.
Your arms: my resting place.

-Noemi Garcis Rigsby

Believe, Belive

2010-11-23T17:50:00.000-08:00

Belief.
It's as much as I can give right now.
Is it enough?
Tell me it suffices.
Because as much as I can do right now
Is to breathe
Is to believe

If all I am is surviving
Then surely believing
Is all.

Faith.
It's as much as I can give right now
I can't think, or feel, or know anything
Pain is blinding
Misery has left me bare, stripped.
And I hold on to you
With all I have left
Life, faith
Belief.

Jesus, son of God
You Are.
Please say it is enough
Please say it is Enough.
Please say It Is Enough!

...for now.

-Noemi Garcia Rigsby

I Rather Feel

2010-11-22T19:36:00.000-08:00

For the first time, in a long time
Silence beckons me.

I don't wish to speak
Or be moved to tears
I can't say what hurts
Except that its everything.

And my only prayer
I only beg,
that please,
I may not become apathetic.

God I pray, don't let me stop feeling
Apathy, my Lord, feels like death.
Only worse than a ghost.
I am alive, but dead inside.

I feel anger,
I feel pain,
I feel betrayal,
I feel pressure,
I feel misery,
I feel grief,
I feel loneliness,
I feel homesick,
I feel helpless,
I feel lost,
I feel desperate...

And while these feelings mold themselves together
Into a mush of miserable fools
God, at least I can still feel.

And that alone, is my only comfort.

-Noemi E. Garcia Rigsby

Of A Dream

2010-09-24T20:47:00.000-07:00

I guess I could speak today.
I could say how angry I am.
I could let out the toxins.

But I find myself mute
At the foot of your bed

In between sheets I found others laying there instead

And its not that I'm angry that you made me a lie
Its that she came, and forced my goodbye.

And my beauty dispersed to awkwardness,
to nothingness,
to ethnic exotics
to be sold like a parrot,
like a lion,
like a statue.

Only to prove what?

That I am still the same.

Hair of fury, eyes of envy, skin of me.

-Noemi E. Garcia R.

C'est la Vie. Or Asi Es la Muerte.

2010-09-23T20:17:00.000-07:00

I wish I had sometime more beautiful to write. I had a weird dream last night that inspired some poetry, but I can't find the words. I come in here and I try to think of reasons to smile and believe all is happy peppy and right. I come in here, and instead I find that three people have died this year. In four months, I've gone through three losses, and I wish I wish I wish it wasn't true on any counts.

The first death was in May. A sweet, beautiful girl from church. She was younger than me, and I watched her grow up. She died in a tragic car accident. Her death was shocking. I didn't know her enough to say I suffered, but I knew those who loved her. Some of those girls were my best friends growing up. I knew her family, and I loved her sisters. I couldn't, can't imagine their pain. I just remember feeling numb and shocked, and sad for a few days. When I think of her, I still do. It stills feels, and sounds, and seems weird that she isn't parading her beauty and smiles with her friends and family.

Then came July. My grandmother passed. I didn't see it coming. I knew she was sick, but I honestly thought she'd get better like she did last time. I prayed so hard for her. I thought, I mean I really though she'd still be OK. I thought I'd get to see her in August. Maybe get a chance to say bye. Then my dad called, he said, "the Dr.'s say there's nothing they can do for her anymore." I broke. I'm still broken for so many reasons. She would cry when I would pray for her, and she would hold me and tell me to pray on her behalf because I was closer to God. She always always asked for me, about me, sent me her love. Once when she was really sick she saw me praying by her bedside (I was in Ohio). I don't know how she got better, but she did. The last time I spoke to her, she told me this story with so much conviction; her voice was breaking holding back tears. I thought it was weird in way, but what I wouldn't have given to have her seen me again and gotten better. I still have no words. Her death is still too fresh to process, to accept, to believe.

Now its September, and two days ago my friend died. I have so many regrets. I wish I would have talked to her more in the last few years, or dropped her a line. I wish I would have told her what she meant to me, what I thought about her. I wish, I wish and now its too late. I still can't believe she's gone. I can't. I feel for her family and loved ones. A silly brain tumor that came out of nowhere took her life. She was too young, too beautiful, too smart. This shouldn't be happening to her. It just shouldn't.

And I here I am trying to arrange my thoughts in a way that makes sense. This last year was hard enough. I've had to endure three deaths alone and away from family and friends (with the exception of flying out to L.A. for my grandma, although I wish I would have been there to say good bye!). I don't feel sadness, I don't feel much at all right now actually. I've cried and cried. I've woken up now and thought "Oh right, Rosalie died," and I can't understand it. I look over my desk and remember, "Grandma is gone too." I think of the unfairness of death, and why it takes such beautiful people and think, "Zenia was taken too soon."

My body, my mind, and heart all feel too numb and raw at the same time. I don't what to make of everything, and I don't know how long it will take for me to have the words to let it out. For now, this is all I have. C'est la vie. C'est la muerte.

-Noemi

It's still fate

2010-09-20T20:09:00.000-07:00

Life is so crazy. I mean, you never know where your going to end up. I had this friend who thought he'd marry this girl. He's in Vietnam now. She's getting married in two weeks to someone else. And we can remember the heartache for them both, and think of all the crazy things that brought their relationship to end. But in reality, it was just meant to be this way. He wasn't for her. She wasn't for him. I look at their lives once united, now running apart on different trails, and they're both excitedly happy.

She's madly in love with her fiance. She goes to bed every night thinking of him, his love, his face, and what mercy God had to give him to her. She smiles as she sleeps because tomorrow is another day less to that big day. She anxiously anxiously waits to be his misses, and no one can shake her joy.

He's filled with purpose and wonder. He goes to bed every night thinking what new thing he's learning tomorrow. He doesn't waiver or wander, but thanks God for the opportunity to fulfill his purpose. He awakes to a brand new adventure that he longed for since he was a boy. He wouldn't change his experience, because he knows its quickly changing him.

Life is so elusive. Who can really know what its doing, where its taking us. And we can sit and complain and cry about the pain and the unknown. The only thing we need to understand is that life knows better than us. The only thing we can do is trust that God knows better than we, and will bring us to that goodness.

I guess today I'm learning not to complain about the path, but ask God to help me learn from it; and not just learn from it, but learn it and know it well so that in the future I can look back and remember exactly where I came from and why.

Vita

2010-09-18T16:32:00.000-07:00

La vida.
La vie.
Life.

She is a woman.

And like a woman, she can only give herself.

Without her, man is nothing.

God made-her, because He could not trust-him.

And it is only in her absence that we find our greatest

grief.

-Noemi E Garcia Rigsby

Silent Killer

2010-09-15T16:23:00.001-07:00

I feel hungry for words
For noise
For anything to drown the silence you leave behind.

Its only been two days and already I want to run
Its the solace at my harbor that keeps me grounded
Its the solace that beckons me to sail

And although a ship won't take me where you are
I want it to take me
I want it to move me into seas, and life, and breath

If I can't find life in silence
Let me find it by the ocean

Don't be too long or you won't find me
And if I'm lost look by the sea.
Silence is my silent killer.

-Noemi Garcia Rigsby

I Finally Had it: My Rant Against the World

2010-08-14T18:49:00.000-07:00

Ever get sick of people telling you what you should like? I feel that way a lot of the time. Come to think of it, I've been feeling that way for a few years now. First came my frustration with church and their constant advising that I shouldn't like secular music, dancing, any kind of drinking, movies, media, magazines, etc.

Later, I became frustrated with church leaders telling me how I should believe the bible, what interpretations I should like. They ordered me to love homosexuals, but to disprove of their actions and feelings and oppose anything they attempted politically. They told me to vote republican, to vote against gun control, (and my personal favorite) for stricter immigration laws, especially the kind that would kick those law breakers back to where they came from. Then, I voted for Obama. I had a good friend yell at me about my terrible evil decision (although McCain literally made me shiver).

Education liberated me. I was appalled when I began attending a church that OPPOSED education, especially the ministerial kind. So I left. Then I attempted another, and in a very indirect and subtle way they pointed out that because I was brought up Pentecostal, and had a Pentecostal degree, I might lack Biblical education, so before I could join the ranks I needed to catch up and do more homework. Ayyyy!! Last thoughts on the church: music equals worship, Bible is not open for all kinds of discussion or questions, and God likes routines and prim and proper cookie cutter things (like the Pharisees).

Moving on. I got married, and I soon learned I didn't like the right kind of music. Top 40 songs are all trash. Everything sounds the same, and the music I like is lame. He's my husband, and after a brief discussion that his music taste was also weird and out there, we compromised. He would try to like mine; I would try to like his.

Then, out of nowhere I find out, I'm not treating the earth right, and I need to be more green. I need to get myself a bike, get some hemp clothes, get into folksy style music, eat organic, become vegetarian, recycle, and my food needs to be bought from three places: Trader Joes, Whole Foods, or Raisin Cane. If fast food is what you want: Northstar. I learned high fructose corn syrup was my greatest enemy, hot dogs were just evil meat corporations out to get me, and salt was one ingredient away from being rat poison. To top it off, I watched an educational film about the evils of meat corporations, evils of vegetable & seed corporations, and the evils of corn. OH NO NOT THE CORN!! (sarcasm!)

Now I have job, and I take too much time with my customers but I give them quality service. So I shorten my time, but now my quality suffers. So pretty much give them the highest quality in the least amount of time.

So far, the only good thing I have left is California. Home. The only things I do right are cook, clean, and be Latina. Although my mom let me know a month ago I have not yet mastered ironing. My make up gets lots of compliments and my hair too. No one bugs me about my slim figure anymore (thank God!). For some reason, everything I like or do around this place is wrong, or bad, or not good enough. I feel so much pressure, but I can't cave. I tried, but I can't. I am too strong willed and self assured. I love myself too much, and I always always try to stay true to myself no matter what people try to tell me. I feel like any moment I'm going to explode. Everyone and everything keeps trying to direct how I should feel, how I should act, what I should like. They all want me to be like them. Can I just say: You're NOT Unique!! You've all fallen into the terrible pattern of ignorance where you base your choices off of what everyone is doing, what the media is telling you!! Tell me why these people (church people, hippies, hipsters, music aficionados, leaders and politicians) all seem to fall into the latest fads. They always seem to have the latest technologies (mind you ministers don't reallly need an ipad & an iphone 4). They purchase more expensive stuff for things that are especially marketed to them (like Christians with Chick- fil- A, and hippies with the green aisle at Target). Can everyone just STOP. Stop telling me who I need to be. I know who I am, and I don't need to be anyone else.

God gave me freedom not just from the law, but from this world. He gave me wisdom to discern what things are good and what things are bad. He gave me faith to believe that He is graceful, and that even if I'm imperfect He still loves me.

So world, please stop trying to slave me to your pattern of thinking. If you choose to live your life that way, I respect that. But please, respect my decisions too. Just because I eat McDonald's fries, dance to Ricky Martin, and voted Democrat does not make me less than you. When I think you're getting gypped for buying Organic soap, attempting to earn holiness through prayer (only Christ can make you holy, you can't earn it, its a free gift), being merciless to people who are struggling, and pick a boring song to listen to, I just respectfully stay silent because that is what you have chosen in the freedom Christ has granted you. And though I may deeply disagree in some things, I just pray that God will help you see that. Please trust that God will do the same with me. For now, keep your condescending, self-righteous, and strong opinions to yourself. Lead by example and love. If you keep telling me how wrong I am about something based on your opinion, I'm just going to assume that you think you have all the answers and let it go. Sorry to be harsh, but all this has been building. I feel like a shaken soda can (soda is evil too), and someone just about cracked the lid.

I’m beginning to feel jaded and feel like I’m living in a time where nothing we do is sufficient and right. Everything we eat is unhealthy, and living for Christ is not good enough. My soul is weary! I just want to rest in thought that God will guide me and that I am made to His image. I just want some room to breathe and be who I am, who God has shaped me to be.

So my response: I drink moderately and occasionally with family, dance with my husband when I hear a beat, watch movies and shows I like, and subscribed to Cosmo and titled it “the monthly couples activity book.”

I believe that the Bible is absolute, but the interpretations can be questioned, explored, and relevant. I love homosexuals, no I don’t want to change them, and no I don’t believe we should treat them less than human beings and vote against them. I’m sticking to Obama, I want more gun control, and I want to legalize immigrants.

I don’t think I need more education, as mine was sufficient and fine thank you. I WILL NOT worship God only to “worship music” or any music at all for that matter, and I will not follow a prim and proper routine as I plan to discuss and ask as many Bible questions as I please.

I will listen to Fallout Boy, Lady Gaga, Ke$ha and anyone else if I desire it. If it sounds good, and I like it, I will listen.

I’ll try and help the earth (because I WANT to), and I’ll eat how I continue to eat: Hispanic. I don’t care where the meat came from because I’m just grateful that I have it. I buy what I can afford, and yes I do crave McDonald’s and Jack in the Box and when I crave it, I’ll eat it. High fructose corn syrup is made from corn and it makes my bread taste delicious. So what if salt is one ingredient away from being rat poison, humans are 2% away from being monkeys. I don’t like hot dogs and pizza anyway. I’ll eat food with flavor like my momma taught me. As for corn, don’t mess with my corn tortillas, tamales, covered in mayo/cheese/& butter, bread, pudding, atole…

I’ll give my customers quality service and mom, I hate ironing, that’s why Jared does it. I’m gonna go off now and drink my homemade strawberry juice. And that’s that. I love you mom! :P

Home

2010-07-28T19:50:00.000-07:00

My nephew is born today. Such a sweet gift from life. With the loss of my grandmother only two weeks ago, I feel as if life is trying so hard to compensate for the pain. But it's never enough is it? The same joy that fills my heart also overwhelms me with great desperation. I want to go home. I'm beginning to feel like I'm going crazy here. I still can't shake the loneliness and isolation. Friends don't come fast, neither do friendly faces. It's been almost a year, and still, I feel like everything about this place is going against me. It doesn't matter anymore though. I won't find comfort here. I know it. I can stop complaining. Now I'm just propelling myself forward and building an escape back to my most imperfect, complicated, messy, chaotic, crazy world. Why do I miss it? It gave me such great purpose. I knew and know myself here. When I'm there, I stop feeling so lost and so worthless. Right now, here, I feel like such a waste of space. I don't know myself here. I want to go back to home. Home where my hands have a job to do. Home where my purpose is clear. Home where God needs me the most. I need home as much as home needs me.

Ever Fee Like...

2010-07-08T20:36:00.000-07:00

Saying a big f/u to life?

I feel like that today...

actually I've been feeling like that quite recently..

..okay for a while now...

I just wanna go home.

Forget you life! Forget you!!!

I'll walk tall and proud with my head held high..

And even if my shoulders should drop,

and rain flood my face...

I'll still walk, and I'll forget you.

In heaven, I'll most certainly forget you.

-Noemi

And You Still Find me Beautiful.

2010-07-04T21:09:00.000-07:00

No matter where I go
She will reach me.
Damage.

And even though the view from here
Seems clear,
the truth is,
there is no escaping.

A plastic sheet that separates me
from you.
Me, from sanity.

Does it matter how far I run?
I will never really reach you.

I can paint over these cracks and creases
But the fact remains I'm broken,
beaten, damaged.

We'll never be the same:
Wholeness.

God let me find relief, satisfaction
in this emptiness.

God let me find beauty in this
brokenness.

Because I know,
he and I will never meet.

When wholeness heads east.
God,
find me west.

-Noemi E. Garcia Rigsby

Thoughts of An Almost Pregnancy

2010-06-09T20:32:00.000-07:00

So the answer, is negative. No babies yet! Talk about relief! Although, I told Jared it was positive just to be funny and never in my life have I seen such an expression on his face. He looked overwhelmed yet filled with joyful excitement. It was kind of sad to tell him I was kidding, but you know it made me realize a few things.

Jared and I go back and forth about having kids, after seeing this face, I know, I can't deprive him of children.

Secondly, for the time that seemed that we had almost created a being together, it was somewhat disappointing for it not to be true...and that's when I felt it. It was this link, for a split second, I felt like although Jared and I are married and closer than ever, there is nothing that truly links us. For a small moment I felt this powerful link between us, something that linked us for life, a link so powerful that only God could break. I came to a great realization that we are missing a very powerful link.

See, I realized now why my mom and dad stayed together for so long despite their hardships. When a life is created out of you, this incredible feeling sweeps over you, not just physically, but soulfully, that you are forevermore linked by the body and life of a child; that no matter what you do, will always always always be one of each. In one single life, the link of two beings is forever present and alive. Although marriage brings you together, it can’t intertwine you, it cannot force you to become one; it cannot force you to stay.

However, a child is you, and him. I realized a child is the product of two souls completely intertwining; becoming one is not about sex, but about fruit. Sex, in all the beauty and wonder that it is can never make you one person with your lover, but the fruit of that love is a single, ONE, whole being. “Becoming one” is about the end result.

This thought just boggled my mind because I would have never ever felt what I feel, and get what its all about unless I would have almost had a child. This whole thing is just so powerful. I can’t understand how anyone can willingly have sex, conceive, and despise the best part.

Marriage. It’s not all about sex, never thought it was.
Becoming one. Not all about sex either.
Life. That’s what God made all of this for. For a precious, miraculous, little life.
Love. Finally! A living, breathing testament to great love that exists between two people.

Can’t you see? The we ARE love. We are that ONE. Life and Love are one in the same. Just like God is love, He is also life. And this is how we are all His children. We are a product of his love becoming one with life!

God, as if you couldn't get any better!

My precious darling, you are years and years away from being in my arms, and already, in one tiny scare, you have taught me such a wondrous life lesson, probably the best yet. Whenever it is your time to come, I shall call you love. Alma. Our Soul! <3

Big Question

2010-06-07T20:06:00.000-07:00

So life has been great, yet crazy lately. Where to start? Well Jared is going out on the road for two weeks and I'm so going to miss him. He is such a great help, and he rarely ever complains.My job is getting easier as I get used to taking more and more calls. And my sister is soon having her baby. Now for that I can't wait.

On to sad news, I think my parents may be splitting up, this time for reals.However, I don't really feel like talking about that right now. There is so much in my head. So much I need to get out. I think I'll come back tomorrow and fill in some holes.

I leave you with one biggie: I'm late. I am really late. And I'm waking up and usually falling asleep to nausea. Going to the doc tomorrow. My fingers are crossed for stress, but if God wants then He wants. Ay ay ay...I'll let you know how it goes..

YouDon'tKnow

2010-05-30T11:53:00.000-07:00

Don't you know that my life has always been a little more than complicated?

It's this erratic, chaotic mess I know
The one thing that has ever made sense
It's the one thing I'm trying to make sense of
The one that begs of all my senses

I can't let you see,
Let any of you see
The salt that drains out slowly

Salt is my proof that I am alive
My only proof that I still feel,
But the thing that proves I'm still broken

Darling, you don't know
You don't know all the burdens I still hold

Darling, darling you don't know
I find my beauty in the mess.

Darling, you don't know
You Don't Know,
It's the bleeding that lets me breathe.

And you'll never know what it's like to daily choke
To hope each day that there's still hope

My darling, you will never know
What it was like to write these lines
To breathe, to bleed, to cry
To for a moment, feel alive.

-Noemi E. Garcia Rigsby

Photography

2010-05-01T13:16:00.001-07:00

We're all liars
Photographing the world the way we want to see it

But when the film runs out
And its time to develop

We'll find all truth exposed
Even the things we tried to cover

Even the light bulbs we tried to make suns
The final product where we hide.

The exposure won't lie

We're all liars with cameras for eyes.
We're all liars until the day we die.

-Noemi E. Garcia Rigsby

Puzzle Pieces

2010-03-04T20:16:00.000-08:00

She said I always befriended the broken
And she said one day I'd marry a piece.
Perhaps that was true, but I knew where to find the rest
And glue him back together again.

But I'm sad today,
Because she's in grievances
Thought she'd marry a whole
But now there's a hole
And he's missing some pieces.

It's true what she said
I attract the broken mess
Then she should have known better
Because I attracted her too
And today, she is broken in two.

She walked in on him trying to find a piece
His puzzle had fallen from the top of tree
And she woke up to life, yet still in denial
She put the branches up for a trial.

But nothing will rule in her favor
She knocked down the tree with her waiver
Bid him goodbye, bid him adieu
He went to find what was long overdue.

And now I know two more who are broken
If only she knew the words she had spoken
They came too soon and now its too late
I have two more puzzles to put together again.

-Noemi E. Garcia Rigsby

Terminemos

2010-01-15T00:00:00.000-08:00

Muda
Diminuta.
Exaltate, ya que dices que eres hombre con corazon de perro.
Caminas sobres las llamas y luego sobre
su cara.
No te importa a quien quemes mientras te crees rey
sin para.
De tu lengua salen letras seductivas matando a todos quien te oyen,
como navaja salvaje atacas.
Pero pronto llegara el aire y apagara tu llama.
Tu fin es mi empiezo.
Tu silencio es mi romance.
Aqui te espero.

-Noemi E Garcia Rigsby

Duel.

2009-12-22T14:12:00.000-08:00

Wait.
The world seemed to stop, but for a minute.
You said this was over.
I,
did not.

We've been walking in opposite directions for far too long
Our weapons still in our pockets
I heard his voice say, "draw."

Your gun: lead of lies.
Mine: fully loaded of antidotes.
I found your truth today,
Same where I found you the first time,
buried underneath pretension and games.

But today, I win.
Because today I learned
The object being fought
for,
of,
and about,
was
me.

-Noemi Garcia Rigsby

Liars, Lies, and Things as Such (Dead Ringer)

2009-11-19T15:40:00.000-08:00

Color me red for fury, for flames
The kiss of death, such sweet goodbyes
I hate liars, lies, and things as such
If we dance, I want to twirl
Make me feel like such a girl
If you spin me, make it good
Make it be as all things should

Don't cry for me, I won't cry for you
In the end we'll pay our dues
Wish you misery, wish you well
If you're still alive ring that bell

Color me black for funerals and death
It's a sin to bury the living, its crime not to bury the dead
I took my chances at winning, ended up losing instead
Cross my path once again, I'll say what's left unsaid
With easy words I'm killing, over buried hearts I tread

Don't cry for me, I didn't cry for you
I have already paid my dues
Wished you misery, wishing you well
Guess you're dead, didn't hear that bell

And if ever you should happen to see my ghost
Please tell her to go back,
Kill the shadows of her past,
And to find a way to let it go.

Death isn't easy, but I hate liars, lies and things as such
Somethings must be buried lest they come back to life
Color me beautiful, color me red
Clothe me in colors that mourn the dead

I won't cry for me, I won't cry for you
In death we pay our dues
We'll die in misery, we'll die well
Guess we'll never get to ring that bell.

-Noemi E. Garcia Rigsby

I've Got an Imaginary War

2009-11-19T12:49:00.000-08:00

Dreams fall to the floor
You've got nothing left to keep you standing
You're fighting like the world's against you
But there's no present war,
Except the one you carry in arms
And no one can save you

I caught you praying
Thought you were preying
Your eyes mislead me
You're only safe when they look up

Nothing about you is convincing
Your pain is too obvious to hide
Its easy to hit target when everyone's your aim
Think they're all out to get you
But you're your only hazard
Sign's up "Beware"

I caught you praying
Thought you were preying
Your eyes mislead me
You're only safe when they look up

Do you believe the words you say when you pray?
Do you believe in anything He says?
Why keep treading armed, if you always go unharmed?
Put your weapon down darlin'.
Fights over now.

-Noemi E. Garcia Rigsby

I'm a Loser baby, so why don't you kill me..

2009-10-01T15:58:00.000-07:00

I am incredibly depressed. There I have said it. Since being married, I have never felt so lonely in my life. I moved across the country, left all my family, friends, and culture behind to join a strange world that doesn't get me and that I don't get either. My only partner in this is miles away touring and living his dream, and I am here wishing to go back in time or to be dead. I can't be happy moving forward. I don't want to go back to Ohio, and I don't want to go back home, I can't change anything I've already done. I feel stuck.

The first two weeks of this tour were a blur and sea of emotions. I did OK. I finally broke down towards the end. Then, I saw Jared for three days, they were good days for the most part. But, in those days I came to realization that I hated life. I hate my life in Ohio, I hate my life in Texas, I hate my life in California, I hate it anywhere I go.

So, after Jared left for another two weeks, I decided I would come to Texas, to my old University and hang out with some old friends. What I have discovered though, is that I have lost myself. I don't even fit in here anymore. The loneliness is unquenchable and I feel utterly desperate to be understood, to be taken in, to make sense. No one gets this. No one understands what this life has been like for me.

I hate feeling like such an annoying freeloading imposer. I have become so clingy and talkative because I am so hungry for social interaction that once I start I can't seem to make myself stop. I finally annoy the few people that take a little time to interact with me.

I am so afraid to be alone in my own apartment at night because I'm paranoid and I don't know the city well enough to trust it that I have to stay overnight in different houses. And I can't help feel incredibly pathetic. I feel like such a cowardly loser, and I hate imposing myself upon people night after night. I hate this life.

I have no friends, no one to talk to, no familiarity, no niche, no nothing. I don't understand the way people talk, and I have no idea what they're talking about half the time. It sounds like people are speaking another language that I LITERALLY do not understand them. It sounds like garbled talk to me, and no one gets this because I "speak English." It's the rate, the tone, the pitch, the content, the slang, the lingo, and the jargon that makes me feel like I'm living in another country. Even in the differences in the way they dress and I dress makes me feel out of place. Everything keeps making me sick, and I don't even know what to order off a menu half the time.

I don't write this to make anyone feel sorry for me. As a matter of fact, I am tired of people feeling sorry for me. I don't want anymore sympathy. No, I don't want people trying to make me feel better. I just want someone to completely understand me. I want a friend, a genuine and sincere friend.

I want to be myself, act like myself, love myself, and not feel like I need to suppress all that I am all of the time. I want family, friends, community. I want to move away to Virginia and start all over again by the trees and the shore. I've had a lump in my throat for far too long.

I honestly don't know where to go from here. I want to cry, sleep, and die. I hate it.
"Soy un perdedor, I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?"

If You Hear His Song

2009-07-19T23:28:00.000-07:00

If you fail to believe
The breeze will bring belief
The song is right inside
A tune that brings tears to your eyes
Though I know it hurts to cry
To let the fears breath out
Don't you lose hope my dear
Don't you give up, you hear

Let His voice bring relief
In His song you'll find belief
The winds will sing it right
They will whisper through the night
You cannot win unless you fight

All to pieces left to die
Hanging by His lullaby
And no one else will save you
No one can erase you
If you think you hear it right
Sing His song tonight

You cannot win unless you fight.

-Noemi Garcia

I Forget to Remember

2009-07-18T20:58:00.000-07:00

If I can ever forget you.
Let me not.
This will be the last poem I will write of you.
Let me thereafter, forget.

I walk briskly through familiar streets
I want to remember it all again
To know, to feel
To know you again the way I used to.

Your claims of me are empty
Your memories of me are rehearsed
And I find you all a lie,
You are therefore, futile.
Let me forget you at once!

But a vague memort crosses me
A small tune playing, a faint scent
It was your mouth
And I am pulled in once again
Oh God I remember!
Dear God, let me forget!

White winds paint a picture
The color green, the color gray
The colors of a life once lived
The life I cling to by a single thread
With one tug, it can break
Love, you are fragile
I will forget.

And though the familiar tunes of a love once lived
Will always bring me back to you
The only way I can have this, is to forget you.

My love, love, I forget, to remember to love.
To love you again.

-Noemi Garcia

Inspired by Sohpie Kinsella's Remember Me?

Post- Grad Thoughts

2009-05-04T15:52:00.000-07:00

So I'm off in summer vacation. Pause. No, not summer vacation. School is officially over now. This summer is no vacation, its the birth of new life. Well, not really. It's more like a final goodbye to my former life. August I get married. My life is just beginning. How wonderful it is to think that it will begin next to one of the most wonderful human beings in the world. I cannot deny that God loves me. Not when He is this good to me.

Despite all the wonderful things that await me, adjusting to this new life is going to be hard. I'm not even speaking of the marriage part yet. I'm speaking of the part that is a life without papers, classes, and friends. I love school. Thinking that I won't be going back for an undetermined while makes me feel almost a little empty. It has not yet hit me that after the summer I won't be going back to Texas, but I will be making what looks like maybe permanent residence in cold Columbus, Ohio. What a change. I mean, my mom always said that I was like a Pandora's box. She said that I was always full of surprises (like hey mom I'm going to college in Texas! See ya! Then, Hey mom, I'm going to get married and live in Ohio! See ya!) But this surprise I did not anticipate. It was sudden, quick, and deep. I fell in love, and suddenly it was like nothing else mattered. I was unhinged from everything. There was only one thing that I longed to be bound to forever, Jared. So I made a completely sanely crazy choice. Marry him. Move to Ohio. That's where I'm headed.

Still, in this southern California friendly heat and perfect climate, its hard to believe that that's where I'm headed. It wasn't until I was wedding dress shopping that I felt a twinge of reality. Here, in the sunny summer of L.A. I couldn't feel more far away from the future. Every summer has simply been a break from my Texas home, just to miss it so I could go back again. Every summer I had a total other family, one that is no longer there. Not my immediate, biological family; but my church families. Both now seem marred. While I have managed to hold on to my childhood family somewhat, it has required sufficient force and attention. I have kept a very small portion of it. Then, there's the other family. The one I was glad to let go off because they're presence only incremented pain. It was hard, it was painful, but it was the most immense blessing of my life. It's funny how we don't think that losing things can be attributed as a blessing. But, I would have never found the life I have now if I would have held on to it. It's funny how someone who meant so much to you once, can be so repulsing later. Just the thought of their face, its enough to make you sick and your stomach turn. God truly spared me from the very worst.

My life in sunny California continues. Wedding all under way. I am the most happy I have ever been in my life. And there's a whole new exciting life waiting for me. God is good.

Train of Lost Souls

2009-04-12T21:47:00.001-07:00

The sun turned red today,
Black clothes, and I saw you behind my veiled hat.
You cried, you cried, and cried.
The train ran far, and I ran right behind you.

My hands crying out for yours.
This train is not for you. This train is not for you.
I cannot believe that they found you.
My heart turns loose.
My eyes bleed.

Behind scuffled cries, I pleaded.
And still, you took.
I saw the conductor sneering.
Then he smiled wide, he mocked me.
His perfect smile filled with words of death.

My heart: DESPAIR.
No, no, no.
You are riding the train that gives no mercy to life.
RUN!
FLEE!
Do not leave those who love you full of sorrow.
Do not leave so dishonorably, so cowardly.
Don't.

The train rides too fast, and I lay there in the gravel
Tracks beneath me like an altar.
I'll make my prayers.
My heart you take.
Have mercy, have mercy.
For the tears that stream from here,
Come back to me.

-Noemi E. Garcia

For the Twelfth Night, For Thee

2009-04-01T14:18:00.000-07:00

It hurts to love you,
For you look me deep;
But all you see is this.

A mask I'm forced to keep,
To be a man, but only because I can be near you;
For I love you, though your words of love I carry to another.

If this disguise be all that permits me your presence, your scent, your smiles,
If it allows me to carry your tears, your fears, and your dreams,
If it is all to hear your voice each day,
Then woman in men's robes I shall be.

By day, by light, your friend, your confidant, a man.
By night, by moon and stars, your lover, your dreamer, a woman.

Lay your laments and heartaches on me,
If only you knew- I wish it was I who you cried for, and pined for, and desired with all your soul.

My love, my love, until you know, and then aftermore,
I will love you as a man and a woman with all of my heart and soul.

The Dance of the Feathers

2009-03-17T20:11:00.000-07:00

Orange feathers fall softly to the floor
I wish you could have seen their dance
The wind carried each with grace in spins and twirls and leaps
But somewhere there they flew too high

The earth envied for them, and thus began to seek
Greedily, lurching, hungry
Inquiring names, dates, and times

And with the promise of greater heights and stronger winds
It seduced them
It pulled them into their fall

They landed oh so softly and awaited for their ride
They longed to dance in high heavens like others they once saw
And so they were picked easily for flight
And as their wings soared higher they became lost

Turbulent winds tossed them, scattered them
They no longer twirled but spun in vertigo
They were tossed with fury and though they longed to touch the earth once more,
They were condemned to fly till the clouds grew tired
Til the rain cared to cease, till the sun cared to shine

They prayed and wept for a safe return, but the heavens were far too high
They never made it there and they never made it back

Feathers are dancing as they fall to a pale moonlight
And the earth is in envy once more, for it is forbidden to take flight
Clouds are forming, and the wind wants to pick up.
Feathers recommend: dancing only for professionals who know how to fly back.

-Noemi E. Garcia

To Die Tonight

2009-03-07T23:31:00.000-08:00

Let me breathe, in this never ending travesty
I am at the surface, this very shore
Take me.

The waves come slowly, I know you're alive
I have nothing here.
Take me, let the waters overtake me.

I wait upon the waters to lead me into safety
My face towards the light
Will you come for me?
The tide for now is too weak.

I'm foaming at the mouth, sea foam kisses my lips
And in all my rage, and in all its fury, let the sea engulf me
Waves pounding now.
The moon rises.

Breathing is becoming optional,
Sea levels stop hiding.
They've swallowed salty waters too many
Tears. Ocean. Call it what you may.

Let me here be buried. Let me here be put to rest.
Let my spirit live, this body die.
The waters above me, there is nothing left down here.

At the bottom of the sea lay this weak body;
At the top of the sky smiles a soul from afar:
"My feet on the ground of shadows, but my head towards the light."

I die, so that I may live.
My God,my God, in this death I am finally alive.

Oh for our sake, my Lord, I died tonight.

-Noemi E. Garcia

Day One Thousand Two Hundred and Three

2009-02-28T19:25:00.000-08:00

I only play make- believe when necessary.
This may have killled all the world's joys, not this world's though.
No, not today, not one.

I don't remember the last time I visited you. It was autumn I'm sure.
I only like it when the leaves the turn to colors, green insults me.
All those trees dancing in the wind, they mock me.
Green plants, I know their crimes.
Though you say their safe, I know what they take from me.

I saw you carressing them a day when the sun was burning them.
I wished they turned to ashes sooner, but you saved them with a kiss.
A kiss, that was suppossed to be for me.

Instead, your steady hand kindly brought the leaf to your lips.
I saw you smile, your eyes were wide, and your cheeks pink.
You didn't see me. On sunny, green- leafed days, you never see me.
I only wished to save you once.

But today, you escaped with all the plants and flowers to another land.
A grassy one, where you leaped and frolicked and smiled. You danced in the heat of the sun.
I looked up from my window, and I saw you, there dancing, deceived.
You mistook that carpeted floor for a field, and colorful couches for lilies, lilacs, and daisies.
The breezy air was only your cloud of smoke, and the sun turned all your goodness to sin.

I just found out that autumn has also brteayed me.
For I saw you joying with brown and red leaves too.
You danced amiss falling orange leafs as they landed solftly, once again, on your lips.
And before I could save you, you were gone.

It only broke my heart that you never truly left.
You were chained to your wooden chair. When you rocked in it, you dreamed.
If only you knew how I loved you, that I could love you.
That I could take you to another world with me.

I have now resorted to loving winter.
I have hated the spring. It is a devil that promises new leaves.
From now on I will love only the snow.
I should mention that I hate the cold, but to have you here, to love you near,
I will love it and wish it on us forevermore.