I'm a Loser baby, so why don't you kill me..

I am incredibly depressed. There I have said it. Since being married, I have never felt so lonely in my life. I moved across the country, left all my family, friends, and culture behind to join a strange world that doesn't get me and that I don't get either. My only partner in this is miles away touring and living his dream, and I am here wishing to go back in time or to be dead. I can't be happy moving forward. I don't want to go back to Ohio, and I don't want to go back home, I can't change anything I've already done. I feel stuck.

The first two weeks of this tour were a blur and sea of emotions. I did OK. I finally broke down towards the end. Then, I saw Jared for three days, they were good days for the most part. But, in those days I came to realization that I hated life. I hate my life in Ohio, I hate my life in Texas, I hate my life in California, I hate it anywhere I go.

So, after Jared left for another two weeks, I decided I would come to Texas, to my old University and hang out with some old friends. What I have discovered though, is that I have lost myself. I don't even fit in here anymore. The loneliness is unquenchable and I feel utterly desperate to be understood, to be taken in, to make sense. No one gets this. No one understands what this life has been like for me.

I hate feeling like such an annoying freeloading imposer. I have become so clingy and talkative because I am so hungry for social interaction that once I start I can't seem to make myself stop. I finally annoy the few people that take a little time to interact with me.

I am so afraid to be alone in my own apartment at night because I'm paranoid and I don't know the city well enough to trust it that I have to stay overnight in different houses. And I can't help feel incredibly pathetic. I feel like such a cowardly loser, and I hate imposing myself upon people night after night. I hate this life.

I have no friends, no one to talk to, no familiarity, no niche, no nothing. I don't understand the way people talk, and I have no idea what they're talking about half the time. It sounds like people are speaking another language that I LITERALLY do not understand them. It sounds like garbled talk to me, and no one gets this because I "speak English." It's the rate, the tone, the pitch, the content, the slang, the lingo, and the jargon that makes me feel like I'm living in another country. Even in the differences in the way they dress and I dress makes me feel out of place. Everything keeps making me sick, and I don't even know what to order off a menu half the time.

I don't write this to make anyone feel sorry for me. As a matter of fact, I am tired of people feeling sorry for me. I don't want anymore sympathy. No, I don't want people trying to make me feel better. I just want someone to completely understand me. I want a friend, a genuine and sincere friend.

I want to be myself, act like myself, love myself, and not feel like I need to suppress all that I am all of the time. I want family, friends, community. I want to move away to Virginia and start all over again by the trees and the shore. I've had a lump in my throat for far too long.

I honestly don't know where to go from here. I want to cry, sleep, and die. I hate it.
"Soy un perdedor, I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?"