Duel.

Wait.
The world seemed to stop, but for a minute.
You said this was over.
I,
did not.

We've been walking in opposite directions for far too long
Our weapons still in our pockets
I heard his voice say, "draw."

Your gun: lead of lies.
Mine: fully loaded of antidotes.
I found your truth today,
Same where I found you the first time,
buried underneath pretension and games.

But today, I win.
Because today I learned
The object being fought
for,
of,
and about,
was
me.

-Noemi Garcia Rigsby

Liars, Lies, and Things as Such (Dead Ringer)

Color me red for fury, for flames
The kiss of death, such sweet goodbyes
I hate liars, lies, and things as such
If we dance, I want to twirl
Make me feel like such a girl
If you spin me, make it good
Make it be as all things should

Don't cry for me, I won't cry for you
In the end we'll pay our dues
Wish you misery, wish you well
If you're still alive ring that bell

Color me black for funerals and death
It's a sin to bury the living, its crime not to bury the dead
I took my chances at winning, ended up losing instead
Cross my path once again, I'll say what's left unsaid
With easy words I'm killing, over buried hearts I tread

Don't cry for me, I didn't cry for you
I have already paid my dues
Wished you misery, wishing you well
Guess you're dead, didn't hear that bell

And if ever you should happen to see my ghost
Please tell her to go back,
Kill the shadows of her past,
And to find a way to let it go.

Death isn't easy, but I hate liars, lies and things as such
Somethings must be buried lest they come back to life
Color me beautiful, color me red
Clothe me in colors that mourn the dead

I won't cry for me, I won't cry for you
In death we pay our dues
We'll die in misery, we'll die well
Guess we'll never get to ring that bell.

-Noemi E. Garcia Rigsby

I've Got an Imaginary War

Dreams fall to the floor
You've got nothing left to keep you standing
You're fighting like the world's against you
But there's no present war,
Except the one you carry in arms
And no one can save you

I caught you praying
Thought you were preying
Your eyes mislead me
You're only safe when they look up

Nothing about you is convincing
Your pain is too obvious to hide
Its easy to hit target when everyone's your aim
Think they're all out to get you
But you're your only hazard
Sign's up "Beware"

I caught you praying
Thought you were preying
Your eyes mislead me
You're only safe when they look up

Do you believe the words you say when you pray?
Do you believe in anything He says?
Why keep treading armed, if you always go unharmed?
Put your weapon down darlin'.
Fights over now.

-Noemi E. Garcia Rigsby

I'm a Loser baby, so why don't you kill me..

I am incredibly depressed. There I have said it. Since being married, I have never felt so lonely in my life. I moved across the country, left all my family, friends, and culture behind to join a strange world that doesn't get me and that I don't get either. My only partner in this is miles away touring and living his dream, and I am here wishing to go back in time or to be dead. I can't be happy moving forward. I don't want to go back to Ohio, and I don't want to go back home, I can't change anything I've already done. I feel stuck.

The first two weeks of this tour were a blur and sea of emotions. I did OK. I finally broke down towards the end. Then, I saw Jared for three days, they were good days for the most part. But, in those days I came to realization that I hated life. I hate my life in Ohio, I hate my life in Texas, I hate my life in California, I hate it anywhere I go.

So, after Jared left for another two weeks, I decided I would come to Texas, to my old University and hang out with some old friends. What I have discovered though, is that I have lost myself. I don't even fit in here anymore. The loneliness is unquenchable and I feel utterly desperate to be understood, to be taken in, to make sense. No one gets this. No one understands what this life has been like for me.

I hate feeling like such an annoying freeloading imposer. I have become so clingy and talkative because I am so hungry for social interaction that once I start I can't seem to make myself stop. I finally annoy the few people that take a little time to interact with me.

I am so afraid to be alone in my own apartment at night because I'm paranoid and I don't know the city well enough to trust it that I have to stay overnight in different houses. And I can't help feel incredibly pathetic. I feel like such a cowardly loser, and I hate imposing myself upon people night after night. I hate this life.

I have no friends, no one to talk to, no familiarity, no niche, no nothing. I don't understand the way people talk, and I have no idea what they're talking about half the time. It sounds like people are speaking another language that I LITERALLY do not understand them. It sounds like garbled talk to me, and no one gets this because I "speak English." It's the rate, the tone, the pitch, the content, the slang, the lingo, and the jargon that makes me feel like I'm living in another country. Even in the differences in the way they dress and I dress makes me feel out of place. Everything keeps making me sick, and I don't even know what to order off a menu half the time.

I don't write this to make anyone feel sorry for me. As a matter of fact, I am tired of people feeling sorry for me. I don't want anymore sympathy. No, I don't want people trying to make me feel better. I just want someone to completely understand me. I want a friend, a genuine and sincere friend.

I want to be myself, act like myself, love myself, and not feel like I need to suppress all that I am all of the time. I want family, friends, community. I want to move away to Virginia and start all over again by the trees and the shore. I've had a lump in my throat for far too long.

I honestly don't know where to go from here. I want to cry, sleep, and die. I hate it.
"Soy un perdedor, I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?"

If You Hear His Song

If you fail to believe
The breeze will bring belief
The song is right inside
A tune that brings tears to your eyes
Though I know it hurts to cry
To let the fears breath out
Don't you lose hope my dear
Don't you give up, you hear

Let His voice bring relief
In His song you'll find belief
The winds will sing it right
They will whisper through the night
You cannot win unless you fight

All to pieces left to die
Hanging by His lullaby
And no one else will save you
No one can erase you
If you think you hear it right
Sing His song tonight

You cannot win unless you fight.

-Noemi Garcia

I Forget to Remember

If I can ever forget you.
Let me not.
This will be the last poem I will write of you.
Let me thereafter, forget.

I walk briskly through familiar streets
I want to remember it all again
To know, to feel
To know you again the way I used to.

Your claims of me are empty
Your memories of me are rehearsed
And I find you all a lie,
You are therefore, futile.
Let me forget you at once!

But a vague memort crosses me
A small tune playing, a faint scent
It was your mouth
And I am pulled in once again
Oh God I remember!
Dear God, let me forget!

White winds paint a picture
The color green, the color gray
The colors of a life once lived
The life I cling to by a single thread
With one tug, it can break
Love, you are fragile
I will forget.

And though the familiar tunes of a love once lived
Will always bring me back to you
The only way I can have this, is to forget you.

My love, love, I forget, to remember to love.
To love you again.

-Noemi Garcia

Inspired by Sohpie Kinsella's Remember Me?

Post- Grad Thoughts

So I'm off in summer vacation. Pause. No, not summer vacation. School is officially over now. This summer is no vacation, its the birth of new life. Well, not really. It's more like a final goodbye to my former life. August I get married. My life is just beginning. How wonderful it is to think that it will begin next to one of the most wonderful human beings in the world. I cannot deny that God loves me. Not when He is this good to me.

Despite all the wonderful things that await me, adjusting to this new life is going to be hard. I'm not even speaking of the marriage part yet. I'm speaking of the part that is a life without papers, classes, and friends. I love school. Thinking that I won't be going back for an undetermined while makes me feel almost a little empty. It has not yet hit me that after the summer I won't be going back to Texas, but I will be making what looks like maybe permanent residence in cold Columbus, Ohio. What a change. I mean, my mom always said that I was like a Pandora's box. She said that I was always full of surprises (like hey mom I'm going to college in Texas! See ya! Then, Hey mom, I'm going to get married and live in Ohio! See ya!) But this surprise I did not anticipate. It was sudden, quick, and deep. I fell in love, and suddenly it was like nothing else mattered. I was unhinged from everything. There was only one thing that I longed to be bound to forever, Jared. So I made a completely sanely crazy choice. Marry him. Move to Ohio. That's where I'm headed.

Still, in this southern California friendly heat and perfect climate, its hard to believe that that's where I'm headed. It wasn't until I was wedding dress shopping that I felt a twinge of reality. Here, in the sunny summer of L.A. I couldn't feel more far away from the future. Every summer has simply been a break from my Texas home, just to miss it so I could go back again. Every summer I had a total other family, one that is no longer there. Not my immediate, biological family; but my church families. Both now seem marred. While I have managed to hold on to my childhood family somewhat, it has required sufficient force and attention. I have kept a very small portion of it. Then, there's the other family. The one I was glad to let go off because they're presence only incremented pain. It was hard, it was painful, but it was the most immense blessing of my life. It's funny how we don't think that losing things can be attributed as a blessing. But, I would have never found the life I have now if I would have held on to it. It's funny how someone who meant so much to you once, can be so repulsing later. Just the thought of their face, its enough to make you sick and your stomach turn. God truly spared me from the very worst.

My life in sunny California continues. Wedding all under way. I am the most happy I have ever been in my life. And there's a whole new exciting life waiting for me. God is good.

Train of Lost Souls

The sun turned red today,
Black clothes, and I saw you behind my veiled hat.
You cried, you cried, and cried.
The train ran far, and I ran right behind you.

My hands crying out for yours.
This train is not for you. This train is not for you.
I cannot believe that they found you.
My heart turns loose.
My eyes bleed.

Behind scuffled cries, I pleaded.
And still, you took.
I saw the conductor sneering.
Then he smiled wide, he mocked me.
His perfect smile filled with words of death.

My heart: DESPAIR.
No, no, no.
You are riding the train that gives no mercy to life.
RUN!
FLEE!
Do not leave those who love you full of sorrow.
Do not leave so dishonorably, so cowardly.
Don't.

The train rides too fast, and I lay there in the gravel
Tracks beneath me like an altar.
I'll make my prayers.
My heart you take.
Have mercy, have mercy.
For the tears that stream from here,
Come back to me.

-Noemi E. Garcia

For the Twelfth Night, For Thee

It hurts to love you,
For you look me deep;
But all you see is this.

A mask I'm forced to keep,
To be a man, but only because I can be near you;
For I love you, though your words of love I carry to another.

If this disguise be all that permits me your presence, your scent, your smiles,
If it allows me to carry your tears, your fears, and your dreams,
If it is all to hear your voice each day,
Then woman in men's robes I shall be.

By day, by light, your friend, your confidant, a man.
By night, by moon and stars, your lover, your dreamer, a woman.

Lay your laments and heartaches on me,
If only you knew- I wish it was I who you cried for, and pined for, and desired with all your soul.

My love, my love, until you know, and then aftermore,
I will love you as a man and a woman with all of my heart and soul.

The Dance of the Feathers

Orange feathers fall softly to the floor
I wish you could have seen their dance
The wind carried each with grace in spins and twirls and leaps
But somewhere there they flew too high

The earth envied for them, and thus began to seek
Greedily, lurching, hungry
Inquiring names, dates, and times

And with the promise of greater heights and stronger winds
It seduced them
It pulled them into their fall

They landed oh so softly and awaited for their ride
They longed to dance in high heavens like others they once saw
And so they were picked easily for flight
And as their wings soared higher they became lost

Turbulent winds tossed them, scattered them
They no longer twirled but spun in vertigo
They were tossed with fury and though they longed to touch the earth once more,
They were condemned to fly till the clouds grew tired
Til the rain cared to cease, till the sun cared to shine

They prayed and wept for a safe return, but the heavens were far too high
They never made it there and they never made it back

Feathers are dancing as they fall to a pale moonlight
And the earth is in envy once more, for it is forbidden to take flight
Clouds are forming, and the wind wants to pick up.
Feathers recommend: dancing only for professionals who know how to fly back.

-Noemi E. Garcia

To Die Tonight

Let me breathe, in this never ending travesty
I am at the surface, this very shore
Take me.

The waves come slowly, I know you're alive
I have nothing here.
Take me, let the waters overtake me.

I wait upon the waters to lead me into safety
My face towards the light
Will you come for me?
The tide for now is too weak.

I'm foaming at the mouth, sea foam kisses my lips
And in all my rage, and in all its fury, let the sea engulf me
Waves pounding now.
The moon rises.

Breathing is becoming optional,
Sea levels stop hiding.
They've swallowed salty waters too many
Tears. Ocean. Call it what you may.

Let me here be buried. Let me here be put to rest.
Let my spirit live, this body die.
The waters above me, there is nothing left down here.

At the bottom of the sea lay this weak body;
At the top of the sky smiles a soul from afar:
"My feet on the ground of shadows, but my head towards the light."

I die, so that I may live.
My God,my God, in this death I am finally alive.

Oh for our sake, my Lord, I died tonight.

-Noemi E. Garcia

Day One Thousand Two Hundred and Three

I only play make- believe when necessary.
This may have killled all the world's joys, not this world's though.
No, not today, not one.

I don't remember the last time I visited you. It was autumn I'm sure.
I only like it when the leaves the turn to colors, green insults me.
All those trees dancing in the wind, they mock me.
Green plants, I know their crimes.
Though you say their safe, I know what they take from me.

I saw you carressing them a day when the sun was burning them.
I wished they turned to ashes sooner, but you saved them with a kiss.
A kiss, that was suppossed to be for me.

Instead, your steady hand kindly brought the leaf to your lips.
I saw you smile, your eyes were wide, and your cheeks pink.
You didn't see me. On sunny, green- leafed days, you never see me.
I only wished to save you once.

But today, you escaped with all the plants and flowers to another land.
A grassy one, where you leaped and frolicked and smiled. You danced in the heat of the sun.
I looked up from my window, and I saw you, there dancing, deceived.
You mistook that carpeted floor for a field, and colorful couches for lilies, lilacs, and daisies.
The breezy air was only your cloud of smoke, and the sun turned all your goodness to sin.

I just found out that autumn has also brteayed me.
For I saw you joying with brown and red leaves too.
You danced amiss falling orange leafs as they landed solftly, once again, on your lips.
And before I could save you, you were gone.

It only broke my heart that you never truly left.
You were chained to your wooden chair. When you rocked in it, you dreamed.
If only you knew how I loved you, that I could love you.
That I could take you to another world with me.

I have now resorted to loving winter.
I have hated the spring. It is a devil that promises new leaves.
From now on I will love only the snow.
I should mention that I hate the cold, but to have you here, to love you near,
I will love it and wish it on us forevermore.